The power of pancakes

Motivation... What do you use? 

My daughter is one of those wonderful examples of stubbornness where you know she is capable of lots of things if only she would apply herself to really get it nailed! But no, she will not do something until she is ready, that has always been 'her way', and that's okay!

But how do we motivate these little monsters so that they keep trying and keep pushing their abilities? Well with our little one, when she was really little, we tried everything. Getting her bottom shuffling was a real challenge until we realised that she enjoyed chasing dishcloths. She would watch us for hours throwing a dishcloth from one to the other over her head, she would try to move after it but couldn't quite get it. Then one day I threw it for her and said "could you get that for mummy?" and she went, bottom shuffling across the room like an energiser bunny. I cried with joy, it was such a silly but pivotal moment for us.

With toileting it was choc bars and choc drops that inspired both my girls to become independant in the bathroom. (Food seems to be a good motivator, shockingly!) 

Over the years we have tried everything from sticker charts to marble jars, money to sweets... For each new challenge she needs to master it tends to be something completely different that motivates her. We are currently using pancakes with honey and chocolate sauce as a deal clincher to get her to do some yoga in the mornings, our 'secret Physiotherapy'!  We have even sat there feeding her a mouthful for every pose she moves into... I know! 

But ultimately it's all down to her, she will do things in her own time and at her own pace. That will never change! And actually this makes her a very strong individual, with little fear and lots of enthusiasm for trying new adventures.

What motivates your child to overcome a challenge? To try something new? Or to master that thing they have almost got the knack of?

Mum's the word

I answer to many names since having children, mum being the most popular one. But that doesn't mean I'm not still me, Zara.

So why is it that when we take our daughter anywhere professionals refer to me as mum? I'm not their mum... I'm also not being mum when relaying sometimes complex information about my daughters last alder hey neurosurgical outpatients appointment. I'm being Zara, professional parent.

I've heard from many parent carers over the last few years that this is one of the most frustrating parts of their contact with other professionals. And as someone who also works within this specialist field it really gets me!

So why is it a problem?

Well let's start with respect shall we. Many moons ago, when I was a young child, my grandparents instilled in me that to show respect to another person is paramount to earning their respect in return. You do this by introducing yourself when you meet for the first time, being open and polite in manners and body language, and calling them Mr... Mrs... until they say you can use their first name. You never refer to them by anything else unless they expressly permit you to.

So why do professionals keep calling me mum? Do they not respect the valuable contribution I can offer to the conversation? Do they not respect my role as parent carer to a disabled child? Do they not respect me in my own right? This automatically puts the parent carer on the backfoot as they are immediately asking questions about their value. This leads to anxiety, nervousness, doubting the importance of anything they say. And that's just wrong! 

I am the one that sees the daily impact living with a disability has on on my daughter. I am the one that soothes the tears when she is refused access to a bouncy castle because she has to wear a splint. I am the one that has to deliver thirty minutes of physio when she wakes and thirty minutes of physio when she goes to bed. I am the only person who attends EVERY SINGLE appointment other than her! So who is the most qualified person to talk about my child? Oh that would be me, Zara...

Another issue I find in the use of the name mum by professionals, and something my youngest got really confused about a few years ago, is it is completely confusing for children! I'm their mum, so asking a question like "what does mummy think?" makes them wonder who you are talking to. I don't know about you but my children know my name as other grown ups call me Zara. Having children didn't take my identity from me, so why wouldn't people use my name? So when a dr once asked "what does mummy think?" to my then three year old, she sweetly replied "who's mummy? My mummy's Zara" and I creased with laughter as I had seen it coming. The dr wasn't sure what to say so I had to explain that to them (my children) I am mum, mummy, mumma, but to everyone else I am Zara, and my children at 3 & 5 years old understand that.

It got me thinking though, with children that have autistic traits or learning difficulties where they sometimes can see things very black and white, calling me mum instead of Zara will undermine their respect for you as you are being silly using the wrong name. How will that impact your relationship with that child? I'd imagine they would not be as respectful of your opinion in the future...

So when you as a professional go to call me mum, just think about what that says about you. Are you being disrespectful? Are you being silly? Or are you simply not thinking about your manners?