So why is it that when we take our daughter anywhere professionals refer to me as mum? I'm not their mum... I'm also not being mum when relaying sometimes complex information about my daughters last alder hey neurosurgical outpatients appointment. I'm being Zara, professional parent.
I've heard from many parent carers over the last few years that this is one of the most frustrating parts of their contact with other professionals. And as someone who also works within this specialist field it really gets me!
So why is it a problem?
Well let's start with respect shall we. Many moons ago, when I was a young child, my grandparents instilled in me that to show respect to another person is paramount to earning their respect in return. You do this by introducing yourself when you meet for the first time, being open and polite in manners and body language, and calling them Mr... Mrs... until they say you can use their first name. You never refer to them by anything else unless they expressly permit you to.
So why do professionals keep calling me mum? Do they not respect the valuable contribution I can offer to the conversation? Do they not respect my role as parent carer to a disabled child? Do they not respect me in my own right? This automatically puts the parent carer on the backfoot as they are immediately asking questions about their value. This leads to anxiety, nervousness, doubting the importance of anything they say. And that's just wrong!
I am the one that sees the daily impact living with a disability has on on my daughter. I am the one that soothes the tears when she is refused access to a bouncy castle because she has to wear a splint. I am the one that has to deliver thirty minutes of physio when she wakes and thirty minutes of physio when she goes to bed. I am the only person who attends EVERY SINGLE appointment other than her! So who is the most qualified person to talk about my child? Oh that would be me, Zara...
Another issue I find in the use of the name mum by professionals, and something my youngest got really confused about a few years ago, is it is completely confusing for children! I'm their mum, so asking a question like "what does mummy think?" makes them wonder who you are talking to. I don't know about you but my children know my name as other grown ups call me Zara. Having children didn't take my identity from me, so why wouldn't people use my name? So when a dr once asked "what does mummy think?" to my then three year old, she sweetly replied "who's mummy? My mummy's Zara" and I creased with laughter as I had seen it coming. The dr wasn't sure what to say so I had to explain that to them (my children) I am mum, mummy, mumma, but to everyone else I am Zara, and my children at 3 & 5 years old understand that.
It got me thinking though, with children that have autistic traits or learning difficulties where they sometimes can see things very black and white, calling me mum instead of Zara will undermine their respect for you as you are being silly using the wrong name. How will that impact your relationship with that child? I'd imagine they would not be as respectful of your opinion in the future...
So when you as a professional go to call me mum, just think about what that says about you. Are you being disrespectful? Are you being silly? Or are you simply not thinking about your manners?
